I was reflecting earlier on this week that, overall, this has really not been a good year for me. So, on the night before my first exam, I feel kind of fed the fuck up with my degree and don't want to do it anymore, even though I am 100% aware that is the stress talking and I have no intention whatsoever of dropping out or anything silly like that. I just feel sooo wound up and the holidays that I'm getting in a week or so are the thing I am thinking about the most right now and the thing that is bringing me the most happiness and hope.
This has just not been a good year at all for me and I need the time to unwind and destress. I guess it's mostly tied to my online relationship with Meduna and balancing study and the release of my rpg.
I also had this one girl try to fuck me, which ended up awfully. She was really goddamn hot and I could've had her really easily if I'd just lied about having a girlfriend! On the one hand, I feel like she was an idiot for spazzing out over an internet girlfriend I've never even met and I feel like I should've just lied to her and told her I was single, but on the other hand, she could have maybe just chilled the fuck out about it and gotten on my dick, maybe. I don't particularly want to sleep with nuisance women, but, hey, it might've been nice! I felt a lot of doubt about whether or not my relationship with Meduna was right or not that week, but I figure we can give our relationship at least one last shot before we throw it in. She's a great and wonderful girl and I owe her that much.
Midway through this school semester, she told me her plans to come visit me here in Australia had been cancelled by her father leaning on her to focus more on her job working under him, and he asked her if she cared more about her career or about some dumb trip to Australia. We've talked a lot about it together, don't get me wrong, she isn't mistreating me or stringing me along and she's told me that if it comes to a choice between him or me, she will quit working for him and we'll try to figure out some plan to be together, and I'm happy with that, but it's still super stressful. My plans to visit her last year also got shot down by this guy, but not until after I'd already booked a ticket and I had to get a refund, which ended up giving me MOST of the ticket price back... I was still out $700.
When I bought my ticket, it was over a thousand bucks, and that was money I'd been saving up to pay for releasing my rpg, The Awesome System. She asked if it was okay and I told her if I had to choose between her and my dream of finishing a book, I'd gladly go with her. Well, now I'm trying to accomplish that dream and that $700 is just so very, very noticeably not there. It's made things a lot harder and I'm a lot deeper in debt right now that I would've been. The way things are right now, I've lost approximately $900 on this book overall and might not see any actual, genuine profit for a long time to come. That's cool, though, I'm releasing this book to clear my mind and get my head sorted out, not to make money.
I didn't even WANT to release a book, that was Koipond's idea. An idea he nurtured and encouraged me to write the whole thing before telling me he had no interest in publishing it anymore and dropped me like a Spartan baby. That really fucked me up, in hindsight, and I can't view this thing objectively... I just want to publish the fucking thing and get on with my life. I want it out of my head.
It's made focussing on my study hard, which has hurt my grades. I'm probably going to fail at least one of my units this semester, but I feel like that's not without good cause. This has been a very stressful and unhappy year, but it's also going to be the closing act on a big part of my life. I read this really smart thing a few years back about how it takes approximately 7 years to master something and then once you've done that, you can master something else. You get like 11 "lifetimes" to live all these different lives. I started work on The Awesome System in 2005 and it's 2012 now.
I can safely say if I'd known Koipond would turn out to be a total shitheel and fuck me over like this, I would NOT have finished the book. It was just a dumb little rpg system I made to entertain my friends. The fact that it's blisteringly fucking fun is nice and all, but I don't feel like I'm cut out for this publishing shit. It's been expensive and hardgoing. That said, I am happy I can pin my name on this cool thing I made. And I'm happy I met Meduna, too, she really is the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like, you know, I'm in the middle, shitty point, between having a dream and fulfilling it. It's stressful.
Two trips to meet the woman of my dreams fucked over with nothing but a promise that we won't let it happen the third time and getting the bugbear that is this fucking rpg book off my back have been stressful enough, but I feel like it might all be over soon.
I'm at the "shitty hard work" part in terms of writing my book, loving a woman and completing a degree and it's just crushing me. The next few months are going to be about focussing on the good sides of those three things and less on the brutal work involved in making them come true.